Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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