look no pants
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
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