Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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