wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
