dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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