My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
