I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
