i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
