Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
