Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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