Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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