someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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