You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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