Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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