You smell like a Billy Joel song
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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