So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
