I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
