now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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