Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
