Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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