Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
