Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
