Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
