Is it normal to miss your booty call?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
