im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
