She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
