I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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