Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
