im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
