she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
