The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
