i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
