3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
