So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
