I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
