in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
