would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
