The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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