Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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