surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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