its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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