do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
this beer tastes like vomit already
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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