Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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