Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
