Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
