i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
