Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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