I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
