You can't special order awesome
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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