did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I enjoy the company of your penis
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
